Writing this fictional conversation helped me vent. If it isn’t obvious, “Winnie” should be read with an aggressive Midwest accent.
Tech Store
*Me approaches the front desk of a tech store*
Me: Hey, my dad bought Office like a decade ago but now his new laptop is telling him that he needs to buy it again.
Winnie: Op, well, hi ‘dere! Good ta see ya’. Well, I hate ta say it, but ya’ gotta’ get da’ new one. Office 365 and all ‘dat.
Me: Well, that’s definitely not true. Can I see all the versions of Office you have?
Winnie: Yepperie! It’s just ‘dis one.
Me: Okay, well I’m going to check dad’s old laptop now and see what he has. *looks around for the old laptop* Oh, there you are. How are you doing?
Oldie: WRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ……….. JUST WAIT A SECOND. …………………
Me: Okay, I’ll wait.
Oldie: ………………………..
Me: Well shit, I hope this isn’t going to be necessary.
*Calls Windows Support*
Windows Support: Hello! Welcome to Windows Support. Go fuck yourself!
Me: Okay, never mind. Winnie, let me see all my dad’s personal information.
Winnie: Oh, of course ‘hon! Ya’ know, dis security here needs updatin’. Wanna’ do that?
Me: Uh, no. I’ll have to break in again. So, Winnie, where Office?
Winnie: Oh, I don’t see it ‘round! Did ya’ wanna’ buy it?
Me: Okay, could you check in the back?
Winnie: Oh! Ya! The back! *waits a second* Hmmm I don’t see it ‘round there either.
Me: Okay, could you check further in the back?
Winnie: Oh! Further back! Ya! Will do. *waits a second* Well! It ain’t further back either.
Me: Well, how further back did you go?
Winnie: Oh! Ya! Seven years.
Me: Okay, I’m going back there.
*Shuffles around for a minute*
Me: Oh, cool. Here it is. Office 2013. *dusts it off* And the product key! Okay, Winnie, you need to install this now.
Winnie: Oh, ya’ bud! Already done!
Me: Alright, run the executable then.
Winnie: Okay! Oh!—uh oh. Dere’s a problem!
Me: Oh, what now?
Winnie: Uh, see ya’ already have da software for da Office 365.
Me: Fine, get rid of it.
Winnie: Yepperie!
Me: Alright, run the executable.
Winnie: Ahhh… nope. Ya’ already have da Office 365.
Me: Dammit. Lemme’ take a look. Uh, well this is the 32bit version. What’s going on with the 64bit version?
Winnie: *SCREEECH* ERROR EORRR REROR
Me: Well, I need that error code.
Winnie: Oh ya’, here itiz! *hands Me a slip*
Me: *reads the slip* Oh, it just says that I already have Office 365.
Winnie: Oh!
Me: Let’s… get rid of Office on this thing. Uninstall Office.
Winnie: Oh, it’s gone!
Me: Great. Let’s run the executable.
Winnie: It’s still dere!
Me: Let’s get rid of this—
Spinnie: ¡Hola! ¿Te gustaría desinstalarme?
Me: Oh… Hola. Sí.
Spinnie: ¡Vale! … Sigo aquí.
Me: I thought you would be gone.
Frinnie: Non, tu ne pourras jamais te débarrasser de moi.
Me: Ah, fuck. Winnie, is there a support tool to get rid of all these guys?
Winnie: Oh ya’! Yes! It’s right ‘ere ‘hon!
Me: Cool. Hi Supporie.
Supporie: Hello! Would you like support?
Me: Yes.
Supporie: Hmm.. I’m not very good at that. Go talk to Winnie!
Me: Winnie?
Winnie: Op I thought ‘cha talkin’ to Supporie!
Me: I… am. Okay. Let me look around for something. *a few minutes pass* Oh, this Sara seems helpful. Can I talk to her?
Winnie: Sara’s gone ‘hon.
Me: But this seems like her job. Now that I know about her, it looks like everyone goes to her for help when trying to figure out Office.
Winnie: Oh! Well, she’s not gone gone. We have ‘er right here! But she’s asleep.
Me: Okay, wake her up.
Winnie: Op! No can do ‘hon! It’s more like a coma. Ya gotta’ run ‘er in terminal ta wake ‘er up!
Me: Okay, this is terrible. I haven’t seen Command Prompt since undergrad. Is there a tutorial on how to run Sara?
Winnie: Nope!
Me: Okay, I am not talking to Command Prompt today. Hasn’t anyone already discovered this major anti-consumer nonsense and fixed it?
Winnie: Oh! Of course ‘hon! Dere’s this guy named Tal.
Me: Let me talk to Tal.
Tal: Hey! Just run this. *hands Me a disk*
Me: Thanks Tal. *runs it* And… Office is gone. Is it gone gone?
Winnie: It’s gone gone ‘bud!
Me: Can I install Office 2013 now?
Winnie: Oh ya’! No sweat!
Me: Thank you, Winnie. I’m leaving now.
Winnie: Of course, ‘hon! And remember ta bundle up tomorrow! It’s gonna’ be chilly!
Me leaves through the front door.