Hello again. Here's another diary entry, just for funsies. It is late (again) but I might as well go at it. I am trying to write everyday. Perhaps this doesn't mean I have to do that much writing every day. Also, "every day" is a bit fuzzy. It is past midnight, but the same "writing day," in my eyes.
My Day
Anyway, I watched a talk online, did my laundry, and went to a bar with other graduate students. Oh, and I played a fuck ton of Silksong. Consider myself addicted. Better than nicotine!
I always feel the need to justify my unproductivity to myself. I never really find a good excuse, and then constantly beat myself up about it. I usually just blame Protestantism. But blaming historical movements doesn't really fix any problems. The solution to the problem is probably going to therapy
Truthfully, I should just learn to relax. I did quite a bit this week. Even yesterday I had my application. Writing statements of intent always makes me anxious, and sucks away my energy and attention from everything else. I just need to put in some hours tomorrow. I have a presentation to give on Tuesday.
Personal Writing?
I'm somewhat struck by my own willingness to write personally and put it on neo cities. I didn't feel this comfortable with Wordpress. Now, it might just be that, like many people on the internet, I lower my boundaries over time when I finally get comfortable. The fact that I'm doing this now is due to this, and not due to something about neo cities. But, then again, neo cities is a lot more powerful in the self-expression department. Maybe I am feeling that, and therefore feeling more comfortable in my online ramblings? I don't know.
Attitude Towards Playing Games
One thing I've been thinking about lately is my attitude towards playing video games. As a kid, I used to only have an hour or two of playtime a day. But then all the kids on the playground had more time than me. And then, there was this weird pressure in the air to beat and play a lot of games. I don't know exactly what can account for this "air pressure," other than a weird competitive bent. Though, perhaps I just wanted to stay on the same page as the cool guys. They had more time to play the game, and so would get them done sooner. In order to keep up, I had to rush myself.
But then I carried this "rush" into my adult years. Video games are supposed to be leisurely, and I'm constantly worried about going fast, or how much my total play time is, or what have you. Even in the opposite direction, I have friends who brag about how much time they have on a game. These are very rarely casual games, so brags are often related to how much skill they've developed in that time, how much dedication they have, etc. I just wanna' relax!
I feel like the same playground process led to a binge-attitude to video games. Like when I start a game, I feel like I can't really "set it down" until its done. Like, taking a day break feels weird. I play the 12 hour game over the course of a few days, and then I don't play a game for a bit... then rinse and repeat. This attitude is just binging. I binge TV shows (when I find a show I like) just like everyone else. Something must have been in the air in a lot of playgrounds!
...well, I can think up another theory in another blog post.